Kurt B. Ellis

Science Fiction and Contemporary Fiction Author

Did You Grow Up Feeling Unloved? – Boy in the Barn: Journey of Triumph Over Horrific Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and PTSD

Did You Grow Up Feeling Unloved?

Did you grow up feeling unloved by your parents? Did you have an emotionally distant parent? Did you have a parent whose love was conditional? Did this shatter your sense of self-worth? And did you constantly find yourself longing for a sense of belonging and acceptance?

Hi, this is Kurt B. Ellis, an author who self-publishes with Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing. I am a victim of repeated horrific savage acts of child and sexual abuse. My abuse lasted for eleven years and ended when I was seventeen.

Stay tuned, and let me share how my sense of feeling unloved as a child made me ripe as a candidate for sexual abuse resulting in a lifelong yearning for true love.

My Very Dysfunctional Family

I grew up in a toxic, dysfunctional family. My childhood was in an era of family, religion, and society where children were not allowed to question things or challenge the authority of older people, including older siblings.

My father was a work-a-holic farmer and businessman who was emotionally absent. Although I saw him every day of my young life, he never told me he loved me, showed affection, or gave me any encouragement or praise. I grew up longing for a positive male role model.

My mother could be an expressively loving parent, provided we children acted and performed as instructed in public and made her look good to her family, church, and the broader community. Her love was entirely conditional. Each of us children knew there would be a heavy price to pay if we got on her wrong side. Yet to be fair, I do believe however, that she tried to compensate for my father’s lack of affection.

So early on, I turned to my older brother as a male role model. This was a horrible mistake on my behalf. I was young and did not know he would take advantage of me. My brother turned out to be a perpetual sadistic living nightmare. He became my primary sexual abuser, who also groomed and prostituted me to be a sex worker for a local satanic cult of which he was a member.

During my teen years, my self-worth was shattered. I felt used, dirty, stained, tainted, and unworthy of real love. Embarrassed and ashamed, I did not think I was worthy of a genuine relationship.

In my late teens, after my abuse ended, I embarked on extreme sexual promiscuity with women to fill the void. But this was just sexual acting out. These acts were not with love. My void was not filled, and I self-loathed. I still felt unloved and emotionally empty inside.

By my late twenties, I latched on to the first woman who showed me genuine attention and affection. At least what I thought was true affection at that time. We had a whirlwind romance. I proposed to her in three months and married her eight months after we met. I thought I was madly in love, but I was really madly in lust.

Again my proper understanding of love was severely distorted by sex. Unfortunately, I had dived into another relationship of conditional love. We remained married for fourteen years, but by six years in, I knew deep inside that I had made a terrible mistake.

The only good thing about that marriage was my two wonderful children. Children whom I have gone to great lengths to give unconditional fatherly love.

Learning to Love Myself

After my divorce, I limped through life with countless flings, this time with men, yet never finding love. It was not until my late forties that I learned to accept and love myself. And only then was I able to form longer-lasting relationships.

By my early fifties, I met a man that was finally my soulmate. We dated for a few years, purchased a home together, and lived as committed partners for seven years. We married and have been together now for ten years. And now I feel loved, unconditionally loved.

So the bottom line is, as a parent, please do all you can to let your children know they are truly loved. Loved without conditions and bounds. So they can grow up to love themselves and be in healthy, loving relationships early in life.

My Novel

I’ve written a novel about my life. It begins with my horrible childhood and continues through my remarkable journey of survival and recovery.

 My novel’s title is “Boy in the Barn: Journey of Triumph Over Horrific Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and PTSD.” It’s an inspiring LGBTQIA+ coming-of-age story about hope, courage, and the resilience of the human spirit.

My novel is for sale on Amazon in Kindle, paperback, and audiobook form. The audiobook is also distributed on Audible and iTunes.

You can read or listen to my painful but inspirational story to learn more about how I survived my abuse and made the best of my life despite my horrible childhood.

As a reminder, please leave an honest review and rating for my books or audiobook. This helps me to be recognized by other valuable readers like yourself.

Thank You for Your Time

Thank you for your time today. Also, click on the links below and see my published books. Like my video? Hit the subscribe button and give me a thumbs up.

And don’t forget that your feedback is always greatly valued and much appreciated. I enjoy hearing from you. So please leave your comments below, and I will respond to you as soon as possible.

Have a wonderful day!

Book Reviews and Promotions

My inspiring LGBTQIA+ coming-of-age story is about hope, courage, and the resilience of the human spirit.

My novel has received great reviews on Amazon and Goodreads.

You can find a full review by Robin Ginther-Venneri on her website, “Robin’s Review,” and her site on TikTok.

Also, you can see my novel listed in online blogs at “The Novel Bookstore,” “Readers Village,” “Mystery & Thriller Library,” and “Amazon Book of the Day.”  

In addition, you can find my novel spotlighted on Instagram by author Leonora Ross and promoted at “It’s Write Now,” “Book Hub,” and “Book Knocks.”

Reviews of my favorite books

The Lookback WindowThe Lookback Window by Kyle Dillon Hertz
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A Masterfully Written Novel!

As a childhood sexual abuse victim by male abusers, I agreed to review this book with feelings of reserved curiosity. Nevertheless, I was quickly impressed with the writer’s style. Hertz demonstrates a mastery of English with his colorful use of words to set the theme and plot and convey his characters’ thoughts and feelings.

Hertz takes you on the painful journey of Dylan, the main character, to find peace with his traumatic past of horrific childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a duplicitous boyfriend who pimped him out to a group of pedophiles. In addition, this boyfriend introduced him to a world of severe drug use and sex addiction. Dylan struggles through it into adulthood, making many mistakes while trying to get justice against his abusers. Yet the clock is ticking, with the statute of limitations against crimes committed many years before. Ultimately, Dylan obtains much-needed evidence to cinch his case with the FBI.

This was a book that I found hard to put down and compelled to keep reading. As a sexual abuse victim, I empathized with Dylan, understood his many struggles, and wanted justice for his abusers. I loved this novel until the end, and I’m sure you will too.

I received an ARC of the Kindle and voluntarily submitted this review.

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The DeviantThe Deviant by Adam Sommers
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Mesmerizing Until the Last Page!

As a male sexual abuse victim of male abusers, I had ambivalent feelings about reading this book by Adam Sommers. But I was intrigued to read this story about male sexual abuse victims of a female abuser. This twisted narration does not disappoint. Sommers lays out the journey of an extremely wealthy woman who uses her position in life to take advantage of and sexually victimize her male employees. The characters were well-developed, and the story was spellbinding. I was mesmerized until the last page.

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I Know Where You LiveI Know Where You Live by Gregg Olsen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Disturbing and Intense!

I was reeled in by Gregg Olsen’s hook in the first chapter. And I didn’t want to stop reading until the end. This was a disturbing story and intense to read. Olsen used his platform to bring to light the common problem of the long-lasting effects of child sexual abuse and how it impacts families for a lifetime. I loved how Olsen headed up chapters with different characters' views. It helped me to keep track of all the main- and subplots. Amazingly, this book had an unexpected twist at the end with one of its sub-characters. It created an ending I did not expect. An engaging thriller to read, for sure!

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Fear CollectorFear Collector by Gregg Olsen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Intoxicating “Who Done It”

I describe this book as an intoxicating “who done it.” Olsen masterfully pulls you in with a series of unresolved murders of young women in Tacoma, WA. Some subplots steer you in one direction, making you think you’ve resolved the murder mysteries. Yet, it is not until the last chapters that the real murderer is revealed, a person unsuspected from the beginning. Once I got into it, this book was hard to put down. A captivating thriller to the last page!

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Paint by Murders (Emily Ellis, #1)Paint by Murders by Amanda Jaeger
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Mesmerized Until the End!

I was pleasantly surprised to read this thriller by Amanda Jaeger. I am not interested in art or paintings, so I started this book with ambivalent feelings. But Jaeger masterfully uses this backdrop to draw the reader in and hold their attention. Once I started reading, I didn’t want to stop until I finished; I was mesmerized until the end. Jaeger ends her book on a cliffhanger, and it begs for a sequel. Dive in and hold on! You will not be disappointed.

I received an ARC of this book and voluntarily submitted this review.

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Where the Crawdads SingWhere the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Written With Poetic Color

As a southerner, I read this book with initial mixed feelings, only to find myself drawn to it in the middle and couldn’t put it down. Owens does a magnificent job of writing with colorful, almost poetic, imagery of the North Carolina coastline depicting a time during the 1900s when the south transitioned from old to new. Linking nature to human frailty, this is a captivating murder mystery with a surprise at the end that shows all is not as it appears. An intriguingly entertaining book to read.

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Mandate ThirteenMandate Thirteen by Joseph J. Dowling
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

An Exciting Dystopian Thriller

I was pleasantly surprised to read this dystopian thriller by Joseph Dowling. Dowling takes you along the perilous journey of Michael Randall and his daughter, Hope, to escape their rigidly controlled English government. A country where thirteen-year-old girls are forced to submit to fertility tests for government-run baby factories. She finds refuge in Scotland with her father’s brother. Yet, it is unclear what will happen to Michael. This book is ripe for a sequel. Jump in! I’m sure you’ll enjoy the ride. You will not be disappointed.

I received an ARC of this book and voluntarily submitted this review.

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