Did You Grow Up Feeling Unloved? – Boy in the Barn: Journey of Triumph Over Horrific Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and PTSD

I grew up in a toxic, dysfunctional family. My childhood was in an era of family, religion, and society where children were not allowed to question things or challenge the authority of older people, including older siblings.

My father was a work-a-holic farmer and businessman who was emotionally absent. Although I saw him every day of my young life, he never told me he loved me, showed affection, or gave me any encouragement or praise. I grew up longing for a positive male role model.

My mother could be an expressively loving parent, provided we children acted and performed as instructed in public and made her look good to her family, church, and the broader community. Her love was entirely conditional. Each of us children knew there would be a heavy price to pay if we got on her wrong side. Yet to be fair, I do believe however, that she tried to compensate for my father’s lack of affection.

So early on, I turned to my older brother as a male role model. This was a horrible mistake on my behalf. I was young and did not know he would take advantage of me. My brother turned out to be a perpetual sadistic living nightmare. He became my primary sexual abuser, who also groomed and prostituted me to be a sex worker for a local satanic cult of which he was a member.

During my teen years, my self-worth was shattered. I felt used, dirty, stained, tainted, and unworthy of real love. Embarrassed and ashamed, I did not think I was worthy of a genuine relationship.

In my late teens, after my abuse ended, I embarked on extreme sexual promiscuity with women to fill the void. But this was just sexual acting out. These acts were not with love. My void was not filled, and I self-loathed. I still felt unloved and emotionally empty inside.

By my late twenties, I latched on to the first woman who showed me genuine attention and affection. At least what I thought was true affection at that time. We had a whirlwind romance. I proposed to her in three months and married her eight months after we met. I thought I was madly in love, but I was really madly in lust.

Again my proper understanding of love was severely distorted by sex. Unfortunately, I had dived into another relationship of conditional love. We remained married for fourteen years, but by six years in, I knew deep inside that I had made a terrible mistake.

The only good thing about that marriage was my two wonderful children. Children whom I have gone to great lengths to give unconditional fatherly love.