Did You Become a Perfectionist?
As a result of your child abuse, did you become a perfectionist? Did you ever feel like you were not good enough and that if you just worked harder, you could improve?
Hi, this is Kurt B. Ellis, an author who self-publishes with Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing. I became a perfectionist because of my child abuse.
Stay tuned, and let me share how I have struggled with perfectionism.
My Overbearing Parents
As early as I can remember, I always felt that I was not good enough in my parents’ eyes.
My father was an overbearing taskmaster who expected perfection in himself and his family. We, children, were constantly being criticized for not working hard enough. He never praised us. We were no more to him than common field hands. We were always told to work even harder.
My mother was not as extreme as my father, but she also instilled a strong work ethic in us. She would praise us, sometimes, trying to instill confidence and compensate for our father.
But her love was entirely conditional. We would only be praised if we did her bidding and made ourselves look good to her family, church, and the larger community. She was all about appearances. So, making her look good was critical.
This was apparent to me at a very early age, even before school. And I had started a course on overachieving in preschool. By the first grade, I was already performing way beyond my grade level.
Coupled with Sexual Abuse
My sexual abuse began when I was six and lasted eleven years, ending at seventeen. My brother was my primary abuser. And as a teenager, he pimped me out to a satanic sex cult he was a member of.
I was traded for sex with older men and goods like cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs. And this occurred often, sometimes multiple times a week.
I grew up with very low self-esteem and felt dirty, inhuman, like discarded trash. Ashamed and embarrassed, I wanted to become someone else, to be someone better.
Compounded Perfectionism
So, I withdrew into my little world and became a book nerd. I felt that an education was the only way to escape my hell. I became so obsessed with grades that I felt like a complete failure if I came home with anything less than ‘AAA’ grades.
My mother praised me for my excellent grades and later an academic scholarship to university. And, of course, she got a lot of bragging rights mileage out of that. My father remained indifferent.
This obsession with overachievement followed me throughout my life. I got my undergraduate degree and achieved my master’s and Ph.D. But deep down inside, I still did not feel adequate or good enough.
And my need for overachievement followed my career. However, after therapy and realizing my true self-worth, I managed to curtail this misguided need. But it was not until my mid-forties that I came to this realization.
I now have more satisfaction and contentment in life. And this is precisely what I have shared in my latest novel.
My Novel
My novel’s title is “Boy in the Barn: Journey of Triumph Over Horrific Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and PTSD.” It’s an inspiring LGBTQIA+ coming-of-age story about hope, courage, and the resilience of the human spirit.
My novel is for sale on Amazon in Kindle, paperback, and audiobook form. The audiobook is also distributed on Audible and iTunes.
As a reminder, please leave an honest review and rating for my books or audiobook. This helps me to be recognized by other valuable readers like yourself.
Thank You for Your Time
Thank you for your time today. Also, click on the links below and see my published books. Like my video? Hit the subscribe button and give me a thumbs up.
And don’t forget that your feedback is always greatly valued and much appreciated. I enjoy hearing from you. So please leave your comments below, and I will respond to you as soon as possible.
Have a wonderful day!
Reviews of my favorite books
Coreyography by Corey FeldmanMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
A Gut-Wrenching Expose of Corey Feldman’s Life!
As a childhood sexual abuse victim, I had mixed feelings about reading this book. I did not grow up in show biz or during the Coreys’ generation, yet I found many parallels with my childhood and life. This book was a gut-wrenching expose of Corey Feldman’s life. He does not hold back. He does not paint Hollywood or show business with sunshine, instead tells it like it was and gives the reader a glimpse of the manipulated life that child actors live, manipulation by parents, family and friends, producers, and directors. He reveals his struggles with drug abuse and his journey to lifelong recovery. He is careful, however, not to delve too deeply into his sexual abuse. He lightly discusses his abuse and that of the deceased Corey Haim. This was a well-written memoir, a tell-all I found hard to put down. And I was amazed in the end by his mature perspective of life. And how he was able to find solace and show forgiveness, especially to his reckless parents. Job well done, Corey Feldman!
View all my reviews
The Lookback Window by Kyle Dillon HertzMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
A Masterfully Written Novel!
As a childhood sexual abuse victim by male abusers, I agreed to review this book with feelings of reserved curiosity. Nevertheless, I was quickly impressed with the writer’s style. Hertz demonstrates a mastery of English with his colorful use of words to set the theme and plot and convey his characters’ thoughts and feelings.
Hertz takes you on the painful journey of Dylan, the main character, to find peace with his traumatic past of horrific childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a duplicitous boyfriend who pimped him out to a group of pedophiles. In addition, this boyfriend introduced him to a world of severe drug use and sex addiction. Dylan struggles through it into adulthood, making many mistakes while trying to get justice against his abusers. Yet the clock is ticking, with the statute of limitations against crimes committed many years before. Ultimately, Dylan obtains much-needed evidence to cinch his case with the FBI.
This was a book that I found hard to put down and compelled to keep reading. As a sexual abuse victim, I empathized with Dylan, understood his many struggles, and wanted justice for his abusers. I loved this novel until the end, and I’m sure you will too.
I received an ARC of the Kindle and voluntarily submitted this review.
View all my reviews
The Deviant by Adam SommersMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Mesmerizing Until the Last Page!
As a male sexual abuse victim of male abusers, I had ambivalent feelings about reading this book by Adam Sommers. But I was intrigued to read this story about male sexual abuse victims of a female abuser. This twisted narration does not disappoint. Sommers lays out the journey of an extremely wealthy woman who uses her position in life to take advantage of and sexually victimize her male employees. The characters were well-developed, and the story was spellbinding. I was mesmerized until the last page.
View all my reviews
I Know Where You Live by Gregg OlsenMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Disturbing and Intense!
I was reeled in by Gregg Olsen’s hook in the first chapter. And I didn’t want to stop reading until the end. This was a disturbing story and intense to read. Olsen used his platform to bring to light the common problem of the long-lasting effects of child sexual abuse and how it impacts families for a lifetime. I loved how Olsen headed up chapters with different characters' views. It helped me to keep track of all the main- and subplots. Amazingly, this book had an unexpected twist at the end with one of its sub-characters. It created an ending I did not expect. An engaging thriller to read, for sure!
View all my reviews
Fear Collector by Gregg OlsenMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Intoxicating “Who Done It”
I describe this book as an intoxicating “who done it.” Olsen masterfully pulls you in with a series of unresolved murders of young women in Tacoma, WA. Some subplots steer you in one direction, making you think you’ve resolved the murder mysteries. Yet, it is not until the last chapters that the real murderer is revealed, a person unsuspected from the beginning. Once I got into it, this book was hard to put down. A captivating thriller to the last page!
View all my reviews
Paint by Murders by Amanda JaegerMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Mesmerized Until the End!
I was pleasantly surprised to read this thriller by Amanda Jaeger. I am not interested in art or paintings, so I started this book with ambivalent feelings. But Jaeger masterfully uses this backdrop to draw the reader in and hold their attention. Once I started reading, I didn’t want to stop until I finished; I was mesmerized until the end. Jaeger ends her book on a cliffhanger, and it begs for a sequel. Dive in and hold on! You will not be disappointed.
I received an ARC of this book and voluntarily submitted this review.
View all my reviews
Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia OwensMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Written With Poetic Color
As a southerner, I read this book with initial mixed feelings, only to find myself drawn to it in the middle and couldn’t put it down. Owens does a magnificent job of writing with colorful, almost poetic, imagery of the North Carolina coastline depicting a time during the 1900s when the south transitioned from old to new. Linking nature to human frailty, this is a captivating murder mystery with a surprise at the end that shows all is not as it appears. An intriguingly entertaining book to read.
View all my reviews
Mandate Thirteen by Joseph J. DowlingMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
An Exciting Dystopian Thriller
I was pleasantly surprised to read this dystopian thriller by Joseph Dowling. Dowling takes you along the perilous journey of Michael Randall and his daughter, Hope, to escape their rigidly controlled English government. A country where thirteen-year-old girls are forced to submit to fertility tests for government-run baby factories. She finds refuge in Scotland with her father’s brother. Yet, it is unclear what will happen to Michael. This book is ripe for a sequel. Jump in! I’m sure you’ll enjoy the ride. You will not be disappointed.
I received an ARC of this book and voluntarily submitted this review.
View all my reviews
Related Blogs and Resources
Links
For the Audio Version