Living with Shame?
As a sexually abused child, did you grow up living with shame?
Did you feel embarrassed about what happened to you, and did you fear that knowledge of your sexual abuse could lead to harassment and ridicule by your peers?
Hi. This is Kurt B. Ellis, an author who self-publishes with Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing.
My book is about a little boy that grew up in the south during the repressive 1960s and was horribly sexually abused.
My soon-to-be-released realistic fiction book was inspired by actual events in my lifetime.
My story is centered around my life: a life that has been a journey from early boyhood sexual abuse and its effects, my struggles to overcome severe PTSD, my unwavering determination to survive, and my dogged determination to succeed and make something out of myself.
Stay tuned, and let me share more information about the shame I felt during and after my sexual abuse.
Shame as a Child
My sexual abuse began when I was six and lasted eleven years. I was threatened that I could be killed if I talked.
Out of fear, I never spoke to a soul about this. I never shared it with anyone.
By the second grade, I remember starting school with deep shame and embarrassment about what was happening to me.
I lived in constant fear of being discovered. I knew that kids could be cruel and would use this knowledge to taunt and humiliate me at school.
I felt they would not understand or even want to understand. I feared being objectified as the sexually-abused boy.
I became hyper-vigilant, keenly aware of my surroundings, about who spoke and what was said. Being ever so careful to pick up on the slightest comment.
I became paranoid at a very young age.
In middle school, my primary abuser outed me to fulfill his sick need to ridicule me further. And in doing so, he blamed me for my own sexual abuse.
I immediately became a target and was humiliated with public taunts: homo, faggot, queer, cock sucker. And further humiliation followed with ridicule in the men’s bathroom.
I became pee-shy and lived with shy bladder syndrome into adulthood.
I withdrew as much from school society as I could. Becoming an introvert, I only associated with limited trusted friends and tried to avoid public places.
I often took lunch and my breaks alone, in isolation.
Shame as an Adult
My shame continued into adulthood and followed me throughout my entire career until retirement.
I worked in the agricultural industry: a job where male dominance, machismo, toxic masculinity, and paternalism were the norm.
Men were men, and weak men or those with the perception of weakness were ridiculed and often given less opportunity to advance.
So as an adult, again, I was hyper-vigilant and a bit paranoid.
But by this time, I became good at exhibiting a hardened outer shell where I wouldn’t let co-workers get too close to me.
I insulated myself well and managed to survive without any incidence of ridicule about my childhood sexual abuse.
In summary, this is just another example of how the effects of childhood sexual abuse can last a lifetime.
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