Can You Forgive Your Abuser?
As a childhood sexual abuse victim, can you forgive your abuser? This is a question I’ve really wrestled with.
I know, from a religious standpoint, that I should. However, the crimes committed against me were so egregious that I have still not been able to forgive my abusers fully.
Hi, this is Kurt B. Ellis, an author who self-publishes with Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing. I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor who wrote this novel to share my story.
My novel’s title is “Boy in the Barn: Journey of Triumph Over Horrific Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and PTSD.”
This novel was based on my life. It begins with my horrible childhood and continues through my remarkable journey of survival and recovery.
Stay tuned, and let me share my views on forgiving my abusers.
Multiple Abusers
I say “abusers” (as plural) because there was more than one. Unfortunately, I had multiple abusers.
My sadistic brother was my primary abuser. When I was six, he began grooming me for a childhood of sexual servitude to members of a secretive satanic cult that he was a member of.
My grooming was calculated and well-planned, perhaps by the satanic cult. My purpose was to serve him and then the dozens of cult members.
All were young men in their late teens and twenties. These are grown men who understand that their actions were wrong. They also understood these were serious crimes. Crimes against me and crimes against other young boys and girls in the neighborhood.
My sexual abuse began at six and lasted for eleven years. I finally freed myself from this abuse when I matured into a man at seventeen. As a sexually mature male, I no longer was of any value to this group of pedophiles since they only wanted children.
I did not keep a score of the times I was sexually abused and raped. But I’m sure it must have been toward the hundreds approaching one thousand.
And the one person who started my abuse and orchestrated my service to the cult members was my sadistic brother.
He basically was my pimp. He controlled when I had to service his cult buddies, which was often, where this occurred, and he collected the payment.
And this is the one person that I cannot bring myself to forgive fully. I just cannot fathom why one brother would do this to another. It is beyond my mind to justify.
I am now in my 60s, and hardly a day goes by that I do not think about my childhood sexual abuse. Although I have worked through my trauma with years of therapy, the psychological, emotional, and physical scars will remain for the rest of my life.
So my answer is an emphatic “No!” I cannot and will not forgive my brother.
In summary, you must read my novel to learn more about how I survived my ordeal and made the best out of my life, regardless of my horrid childhood.
Thank You for Your Time
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Book Reviews and Promotions
My inspiring LGBTQIA+ coming-of-age story is about hope, courage, and the resilience of the human spirit.
My novel has received great reviews on Amazon and Goodreads.
You can find a full review by Robin Ginther-Venneri on her website, “Robin’s Review,” and her site on TikTok.
Also, you can see my novel listed in online blogs at “The Novel Bookstore,” “Readers Village,” “Mystery & Thriller Library,” and “Amazon Book of the Day.”
In addition, you can find my novel spotlighted on Instagram by author Leonora Ross and promoted at “It’s Write Now,” “Book Hub,” and “Book Knocks.”
Reviews of my favorite books
The Lookback Window by Kyle Dillon HertzMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
A Masterfully Written Novel!
As a childhood sexual abuse victim by male abusers, I agreed to review this book with feelings of reserved curiosity. Nevertheless, I was quickly impressed with the writer’s style. Hertz demonstrates a mastery of English with his colorful use of words to set the theme and plot and convey his characters’ thoughts and feelings.
Hertz takes you on the painful journey of Dylan, the main character, to find peace with his traumatic past of horrific childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a duplicitous boyfriend who pimped him out to a group of pedophiles. In addition, this boyfriend introduced him to a world of severe drug use and sex addiction. Dylan struggles through it into adulthood, making many mistakes while trying to get justice against his abusers. Yet the clock is ticking, with the statute of limitations against crimes committed many years before. Ultimately, Dylan obtains much-needed evidence to cinch his case with the FBI.
This was a book that I found hard to put down and compelled to keep reading. As a sexual abuse victim, I empathized with Dylan, understood his many struggles, and wanted justice for his abusers. I loved this novel until the end, and I’m sure you will too.
I received an ARC of the Kindle and voluntarily submitted this review.
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The Deviant by Adam SommersMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Mesmerizing Until the Last Page!
As a male sexual abuse victim of male abusers, I had ambivalent feelings about reading this book by Adam Sommers. But I was intrigued to read this story about male sexual abuse victims of a female abuser. This twisted narration does not disappoint. Sommers lays out the journey of an extremely wealthy woman who uses her position in life to take advantage of and sexually victimize her male employees. The characters were well-developed, and the story was spellbinding. I was mesmerized until the last page.
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I Know Where You Live by Gregg OlsenMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Disturbing and Intense!
I was reeled in by Gregg Olsen’s hook in the first chapter. And I didn’t want to stop reading until the end. This was a disturbing story and intense to read. Olsen used his platform to bring to light the common problem of the long-lasting effects of child sexual abuse and how it impacts families for a lifetime. I loved how Olsen headed up chapters with different characters' views. It helped me to keep track of all the main- and subplots. Amazingly, this book had an unexpected twist at the end with one of its sub-characters. It created an ending I did not expect. An engaging thriller to read, for sure!
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Fear Collector by Gregg OlsenMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Intoxicating “Who Done It”
I describe this book as an intoxicating “who done it.” Olsen masterfully pulls you in with a series of unresolved murders of young women in Tacoma, WA. Some subplots steer you in one direction, making you think you’ve resolved the murder mysteries. Yet, it is not until the last chapters that the real murderer is revealed, a person unsuspected from the beginning. Once I got into it, this book was hard to put down. A captivating thriller to the last page!
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Paint by Murders by Amanda JaegerMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Mesmerized Until the End!
I was pleasantly surprised to read this thriller by Amanda Jaeger. I am not interested in art or paintings, so I started this book with ambivalent feelings. But Jaeger masterfully uses this backdrop to draw the reader in and hold their attention. Once I started reading, I didn’t want to stop until I finished; I was mesmerized until the end. Jaeger ends her book on a cliffhanger, and it begs for a sequel. Dive in and hold on! You will not be disappointed.
I received an ARC of this book and voluntarily submitted this review.
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Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia OwensMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Written With Poetic Color
As a southerner, I read this book with initial mixed feelings, only to find myself drawn to it in the middle and couldn’t put it down. Owens does a magnificent job of writing with colorful, almost poetic, imagery of the North Carolina coastline depicting a time during the 1900s when the south transitioned from old to new. Linking nature to human frailty, this is a captivating murder mystery with a surprise at the end that shows all is not as it appears. An intriguingly entertaining book to read.
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Mandate Thirteen by Joseph J. DowlingMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
An Exciting Dystopian Thriller
I was pleasantly surprised to read this dystopian thriller by Joseph Dowling. Dowling takes you along the perilous journey of Michael Randall and his daughter, Hope, to escape their rigidly controlled English government. A country where thirteen-year-old girls are forced to submit to fertility tests for government-run baby factories. She finds refuge in Scotland with her father’s brother. Yet, it is unclear what will happen to Michael. This book is ripe for a sequel. Jump in! I’m sure you’ll enjoy the ride. You will not be disappointed.
I received an ARC of this book and voluntarily submitted this review.
View all my reviews