Kurt B. Ellis

Science Fiction and Contemporary Fiction Author

Do You Feel Guilty for Being Good to Yourself? – Boy in the Barn: Journey of Triumph Over Horrific Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and PTSD

Do You Feel Guilty for Being Good to Yourself?

As a child abuse survivor, do you feel guilty for being good to yourself? That is, doing something that makes you happy, brings you joy, and gives you contentment. Did you know you were probably conditioned to be this way by your upbringing?

I was raised in a toxic, dysfunctional family where children were not allowed to express themselves or ever question their parents’ authority.

Hi, this is Kurt B. Ellis, an author who self-publishes with Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing. Stay tuned, and let me share more about my experiences with feeling guilty over self-love.

A Setup for Child Abuse

Let me explain why growing up in a toxic, dysfunctional family was the perfect setup for child and sexual abuse.

We, children, were expected to blindly obey and conform to our parents’ wishes regardless of whether we agreed with them. Any verbal or non-verbal resistance was quickly dealt with by harsh corporal punishment.

Our parents were workaholics and expected no less from their children. If we spent time being unproductive, just being a playful child, we were accused of being slothful and lazy.

We also felt guilty if we did nothing to make them look good to their broader families, church, or community. We were taught that we had to earn their love. This further translated into a power dynamic where the younger children were expected to obey the older children.

Beginning at six, I was sexually abused and groomed by my sadistic brother, who later forced me to become a child sex worker for a local satanic cult of which he was a member. My abuse lasted for eleven years.

He convinced me that I was trash and was the cause of my abuse. My brother also led me to believe I was unworthy of being loved, even God’s love.

My self-esteem and self-worth were shattered for many years. And for about half of my life, I was never comfortable doing anything good for myself. I always put my needs last or would make excuses or talk myself out of doing something good for me.

The Power of EMDR Therapy

This, however, did change after much-needed EMDR therapy, where I finally learned to love myself and feel good about doing something positive for me.

For example, I did not take my first vacation until my early fifties. Initially awkward, I persevered and learned to lift myself and enjoy life. And now, years later, I enjoy all types of vacations among the other good bounties of life.

You can also learn to love yourself without guilt with support and therapy. Loving yourself without guilt is one of the key things I’ve written about in my award-winning novel.

My Award-Winning Novel

My award-winning novel’s title is “Boy in the Barn: Journey of Triumph Over Horrific Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and PTSD.” It’s an inspiring LGBTQIA+ coming-of-age story about hope, courage, and the resilience of the human spirit.

My novel is for sale on Amazon in Kindle, paperback, and audiobook form. The audiobook is also distributed on Audible and iTunes. 

Thank You for Your Time

Thank you for your time today. Also, click on the links below and see my published books. Like my video? Hit the subscribe button and give me a thumbs up.

And don’t forget that your feedback is always greatly valued and much appreciated. I enjoy hearing from you. So please leave your comments below, and I will respond to you as soon as possible.

Have a wonderful day!

Award Finalist: 2023 global book award

Featuring our medal winners and finalists in each of their categories, the Global Book Awards aim to recognize talented authors that have not received the recognition they deserve in self-publishing.

In this modern age of publishing, books need to be appraised not only by their content and writing style, but also by the way they present and market themselves to the prospective buyer, whether that is in the good ratings it has on important stores like Amazon, its book cover and description, or the number of reviews it has collected. They must also appeal to new readers, so part of the evaluation included a survey asking avid readers to select the top five books they enjoyed the most.

The awards are grouped by category and divided into Gold, Silver, Bronze, and Award Finalists. We congratulate the winners once again and encourage readers to try out their books. Hello Kurt. Congratulations! We are pleased to confirm your book Boy in the Barn won a medal in this year’s Global Book Awards.

Announced on Sept. 6, 2023, Boy in the Barn: Journey of Triumph Over Horrific Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, and PTSD was AWARD FINALIST in the 2023 GLOBAL BOOK AWARDS’ category of Politics & Social Sciences.

Reviews of my favorite books

If You Tell: A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of SisterhoodIf You Tell: A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood by Gregg Olsen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A Captivating True Crime Story at Its Best!

This is an incredible true crime story of how an intensely sadistic woman cruelly manipulates her daughters, husbands, stepmother, nephew, friends, co-workers, and so on. Her prey is anyone she meets and can pull into her web of lies, deceit, and coercion. She's even directly involved in murders but always tries to pin them on someone else. She's the master manipulator. She knows no limit to the horrid things she tries to get people to do. When you think it's awful, just blink, and it gets worse. This book was a roller coaster ride with multiple characters and layers of plots and subplots. It was a captivating reveal in the mind of a maniacal, manipulative, self-serving criminal. I found it hard to put down. Another winner by Gregg Olsen!

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CoreyographyCoreyography by Corey Feldman
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A Gut-Wrenching Expose of Corey Feldman’s Life!

As a childhood sexual abuse victim, I had mixed feelings about reading this book. I did not grow up in show biz or during the Coreys’ generation, yet I found many parallels with my childhood and life. This book was a gut-wrenching expose of Corey Feldman’s life. He does not hold back. He does not paint Hollywood or show business with sunshine, instead tells it like it was and gives the reader a glimpse of the manipulated life that child actors live, manipulation by parents, family and friends, producers, and directors. He reveals his struggles with drug abuse and his journey to lifelong recovery. He is careful, however, not to delve too deeply into his sexual abuse. He lightly discusses his abuse and that of the deceased Corey Haim. This was a well-written memoir, a tell-all I found hard to put down. And I was amazed in the end by his mature perspective of life. And how he was able to find solace and show forgiveness, especially to his reckless parents. Job well done, Corey Feldman!

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The Lookback WindowThe Lookback Window by Kyle Dillon Hertz
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A Masterfully Written Novel!

As a childhood sexual abuse victim by male abusers, I agreed to review this book with feelings of reserved curiosity. Nevertheless, I was quickly impressed with the writer’s style. Hertz demonstrates a mastery of English with his colorful use of words to set the theme and plot and convey his characters’ thoughts and feelings.

Hertz takes you on the painful journey of Dylan, the main character, to find peace with his traumatic past of horrific childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a duplicitous boyfriend who pimped him out to a group of pedophiles. In addition, this boyfriend introduced him to a world of severe drug use and sex addiction. Dylan struggles through it into adulthood, making many mistakes while trying to get justice against his abusers. Yet the clock is ticking, with the statute of limitations against crimes committed many years before. Ultimately, Dylan obtains much-needed evidence to cinch his case with the FBI.

This was a book that I found hard to put down and compelled to keep reading. As a sexual abuse victim, I empathized with Dylan, understood his many struggles, and wanted justice for his abusers. I loved this novel until the end, and I’m sure you will too.

I received an ARC of the Kindle and voluntarily submitted this review.

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The DeviantThe Deviant by Adam Sommers
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Mesmerizing Until the Last Page!

As a male sexual abuse victim of male abusers, I had ambivalent feelings about reading this book by Adam Sommers. But I was intrigued to read this story about male sexual abuse victims of a female abuser. This twisted narration does not disappoint. Sommers lays out the journey of an extremely wealthy woman who uses her position in life to take advantage of and sexually victimize her male employees. The characters were well-developed, and the story was spellbinding. I was mesmerized until the last page.

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I Know Where You LiveI Know Where You Live by Gregg Olsen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Disturbing and Intense!

I was reeled in by Gregg Olsen’s hook in the first chapter. And I didn’t want to stop reading until the end. This was a disturbing story and intense to read. Olsen used his platform to bring to light the common problem of the long-lasting effects of child sexual abuse and how it impacts families for a lifetime. I loved how Olsen headed up chapters with different characters' views. It helped me to keep track of all the main- and subplots. Amazingly, this book had an unexpected twist at the end with one of its sub-characters. It created an ending I did not expect. An engaging thriller to read, for sure!

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Fear CollectorFear Collector by Gregg Olsen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Intoxicating “Who Done It”

I describe this book as an intoxicating “who done it.” Olsen masterfully pulls you in with a series of unresolved murders of young women in Tacoma, WA. Some subplots steer you in one direction, making you think you’ve resolved the murder mysteries. Yet, it is not until the last chapters that the real murderer is revealed, a person unsuspected from the beginning. Once I got into it, this book was hard to put down. A captivating thriller to the last page!

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Paint by Murders (Emily Ellis, #1)Paint by Murders by Amanda Jaeger
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Mesmerized Until the End!

I was pleasantly surprised to read this thriller by Amanda Jaeger. I am not interested in art or paintings, so I started this book with ambivalent feelings. But Jaeger masterfully uses this backdrop to draw the reader in and hold their attention. Once I started reading, I didn’t want to stop until I finished; I was mesmerized until the end. Jaeger ends her book on a cliffhanger, and it begs for a sequel. Dive in and hold on! You will not be disappointed.

I received an ARC of this book and voluntarily submitted this review.

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Where the Crawdads SingWhere the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Written With Poetic Color

As a southerner, I read this book with initial mixed feelings, only to find myself drawn to it in the middle and couldn’t put it down. Owens does a magnificent job of writing with colorful, almost poetic, imagery of the North Carolina coastline depicting a time during the 1900s when the south transitioned from old to new. Linking nature to human frailty, this is a captivating murder mystery with a surprise at the end that shows all is not as it appears. An intriguingly entertaining book to read.

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Mandate ThirteenMandate Thirteen by Joseph J. Dowling
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

An Exciting Dystopian Thriller

I was pleasantly surprised to read this dystopian thriller by Joseph Dowling. Dowling takes you along the perilous journey of Michael Randall and his daughter, Hope, to escape their rigidly controlled English government. A country where thirteen-year-old girls are forced to submit to fertility tests for government-run baby factories. She finds refuge in Scotland with her father’s brother. Yet, it is unclear what will happen to Michael. This book is ripe for a sequel. Jump in! I’m sure you’ll enjoy the ride. You will not be disappointed.

I received an ARC of this book and voluntarily submitted this review.

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